Why He Jumped
by YamiBaki
Summary: Male!Reader x Sawada Tsunayoshi He was broken, a cracked porcelain doll who wore a mask to hide his true feelings. Tsuna saw passed that and befriended him, it wasn't long before he fell in love with the Vongola tenth.


There's not enough pain medicine to ever get rid of all the emotions that hurt him, there weren't any kinds of medicine that can make him happy for even the smallest of moments, and he could take a truck load of anti-depressants and it still wouldn't help him in the slightest. He was disgusting, horrible and in great need of help. But what kind of help can you get if no one can hear you screaming from the inside. To the world he showed them one face, the one that smiled and was always willing to help those in need, but the moment he entered his home, he crashed and crumbled into a million pieces. The voices spoke to him, calling him names, telling him things he already knew that hurt more than any cut ever could. He couldn't even look himself in the mirror without wanting to smash it with his own fist, the very sight of his true face enraged him and drove him into a corner of pity and dispair.

He was anxious, unable to handle the way his parents argued every now and then loudly, unable to take all the guilt he held for being born, all that verbal abuse and name calling. He hated himself, he hated the fact that he was born, the fact that he existed and had to live a life of nothing but lies and masked faces. He wanted to get away, to leave it behind and no longer have to deal with it. He needed help, but how can one receive help when no one is there to answer you when you called?

Meeting Sawada Tsunayoshi was the greatest thing that's ever happened to him.

Entering Namimori Middle and making friends with his happy demeanor, having everyone assume he was a happy person when in reality, he was as broken as a porcelain doll. He was cracked, scratched and was even missing a few pieces, but the mask he puts on every moring and keeps until he goes home helps deceive people.

Tsuna, however, wasn't as easily fooled.

He saw right through it all, through the fake smiling and laughter, through the perfectly placed mask and cheerful personality. He saw the cracks, heard the cries, and had even gone out of his way to help him. Tsuna had answered, and was more than willing to help save him from despair. This was more than [y/n] had asked for, but he didn't complain. It had started when the shorter of the two males had confronted him, taking him up to the roof, making sure Hibari wasn't there before he asked [y/n] what was wrong. At first [y/n] looked confused, laughing it off and telling the young male that he was fine. But Tsuna didn't fall for it. Instead of yelling or exposing him, instead of trying to pry or making sure to get the answer out of him, he simply smiled. His smile was warm, genuine. It had been sudden, and it had taken the young, [h/c] haired teen off-guard. Walking up to him, Tsuna turned and sat himself down onto the floor, smiling up at [y/n] and asking if he'd sit with him. [Y/n] was reluctant at first, but ended up doing so. They just sat there for hours, gazing up at the sky and even skipping class. It was peaceful, and for the first time in ages, [y/n] felt so at ease. "I don't know what's going on at home, and you don't have to... But know that I'm here for you." Tsuna suddenly said, causing [y/n] to turn to him with a small look of surprise. Tsuna just kept smiling warmly at him, staring at him straight in the eyes to show that he wasn't lying or joking, he was being honest. "You're important to me, even if I don't say it a lot and you like hanging out with other people better... I mean, I am dame Tsuna to everyone, so I guess it makes sense." He let out a laugh, lifting a hand to scratch his head nervously. A wind passed by the two of them, before Tsuna held his hand out towards him, as though offering something, something important to the confused teen before him. "I know you're going through a rough time now, I can tell, but you'll survive this... And when all of this is over, I'll still be here and so will you. We're friends after all! I can't really understand what you're going through but, I'll help you out and support you in any way I can." He didn't need to say much, just those words were enough to lift some of the weight off of [y/n]'s shoulders. Before he knew it, the mask he had put on that day actually cracked, and he shed his long held tears, letting out a pathetic sob all the while Tsuna smiled gently and gave him a friendly hug.

Since then, he had been there, wanting to help and making sure [y/n] was more invoved with whatever it was they were doing. Yamamoto received the teen with open arms, so did Ryouhei and the girls. Futa, Lambo and Ipin loved him, especially since he played with them and he always brought over something to snack on. Nana welcomed him into her home, opening the door for him to stay over whenever he felt like it, which really helped more than she could ever possibly know. Bianci and Reborn seemed to appreciate the new member of the family, and encouraged him when he said he was going to join the boxing club and receive training from Ryouhei himself. Hibari had no problems with [y/n], probably because he was the errand boy to the disciplinary committee, and Tsuna had convinced Gokudera to be kind to him since they were now all close friends.

Everything was bliss, going on fun adventures, dealing with all that hard training Reborn seemed to love giving all the boys. He was laughing, smiling and actually loving the thought of waking up and seeing everyone every single day. This time, the mask wasn't on, and it was all genuine. But it wasn't long before everything slowly began to fall apart, starting with the unwanted and dangerous feelings that started to blossom within him. It wasn't what he had planned, he wanted to stay with Tsuna and everyone forever, but his heart and mind were on two different levels.

His heart fluttered every time Tsuna was around, it beat as fast as a drum when the young brunet turned to gaze at him, and it skipped a beat when he would smile at him. It had taken a while, but he had come into terms with it, and he had also come to terms with the pain he felt knowing that he may never get with Tsuna. The teen had an undying and completely obvious love for Kyoko. He knew that it wouldn't be good to confess, and decided to hold onto his feelings and never let them be known to anyone. But that was one of the mistakes he made, because holding it in made him realize every little thing about Tsuna that slowly brought back those feelings that he had thought had gone away. He noticed the way Tsuna smiled at Kyoko, how he acted, the way his cheeks would glow a rosy pink from just talking with her to a crimson red when she giggled at something he said. That evil, green monster known as jealousy began to arise, however, it was slowly pushed back by his sudden realization of everything.

He was a boy, and she was a girl.

And Tsuna was completely in love with her.

Slowly, the voices returned, and he became more aware of them than ever before. They screamed and taunted him, causing him to fall to his knees and sob uncontrollably. He wasn't female, he wasn't what tsuna wanted nor was he good enough to stay by Tsuna's side, and he couldn't give Tsuna what she could.

He wasn't Sasagawa Kyoko.

With all the rush of emotions that befell him, he had skipped two weeks of school, which was his second mistake. He was trapped in his room, listening to the voices yell at him, feeling drained and slowly growing to loath his very existance once again. He hated being born, he hated being alive, he hated being who he was, so pathetic and lonely. He hated everything and everyone, but most of all, he hated the feelings he held inside him.

His parents didn't help either, they had finally gotten a divorce and were going to live in separate places. unfortunately, neither wanted to keep him, and told him that he either find someplace to stay or go somewhere else. It only added on to the mountain of emotions he held, and his shoulders were slowly weighing him down. He had stopped eating, he didn't feel the need to. Waking up became harder, and he dreaded the thought of getting up each and every single morning, not wanting to deal with anything.

It had taken a lot out of him, but he finally decided to get up and confess to Tsuna. The outcome might not end well, but he wanted to let him know what his supposed friend was feeling for him. He wanted there to be no secrets between them anymore, and he hoped this would ease some of the emotional distress he was in.

At least, that was the plan.

Dragging himself out of bed, he got dressed and put on his best smile, before making his way out the door. The day was sunny, cloudless and calm, the complete opposite of what he was feeling. His house was cold, quiet and empty, just how he felt and the complete opposite of how Tsuna's house was like.

Making it to school, he greeted everyone as he normally would, feeling a little giddy and slightly nervous. But he was prepared, he wanted to see Tsuna after so long of doing nothing but dealing with himself alone at home. The first to greet him was Yamamoto, later was Ryouhei and Gokudera, they were surprised and had asked him where the hell he was, giving him their sympathies after hearing that his parents had gotten a divorce. Hibari had bitten him to death for leaving and not saying a word, but later just left him be when he heard from Kusakabe about what happened at home. All throughout the day he searched for Tsuna, only to be told that the younger of the two was busy running errands, cleaning up the classrooms, or just running off to who-knows-where with the help of Reborn. It wasn't until the end of the day that he finally caught up with him, pleased to see that the two would finally be alone and he could confess his feelings for the boy. "Tsuna!'' [Y/n] called out, feeling his heart race. ''Hi [y/n].'' Tsuna greeted, as the young teen ran up to him and the others. "Tsuna, can I talk to you for sec-"

"Tsuna kun?"

Tsuna turned his head and smiled brightly as Kyoko walked up to him, a smile on her face as she greeted [y/n]. ''Hi [y/n], I'm glad to see you back,'' she began, before turning to Tsuna with a soft smile. "Tsuna kun, should we get going?" All Tsuna did was nod, as he and Kyoko both turned to walk away. This was strange, especially since Tsuna and Kyoko never walked that close before. Lifting his hand, [y/n] tried to stop him, all in hopes of being able to speak with him in private and confess. "Wait, Tsuna, I need to talk to you-"

"Oh, sorry [y/n], but I made plans with Kyoko san to go buy a cake for later," Tsuna muttered nervously, his cheeks a bright pink as he scratched the back of his head. "Can this wait until tomorrow? This is really important." [Y/n] pursed his lips, Tsuna didn't want to speak with him. His heart felt as though it had cracked, but then again, it could have been a crack that had already been there, that had been sealed up thanks to Tsuna, and was now opening up once again. Lowering his hand, [y/n] allowed his lips to curl into that oh-so-familiar fake smile that he was used to giving, and sent him a small laugh. "No you're right Tsuna, it's nothing important... Nothing important..." He muttered, watching with sad eyes as Tsuna nodded and walked up ahead with Kyoko. The two chatted with one another and walked on, all the while not realizing the damage that had been done to the young teen.

"The Judaime finally got himself a girlfriend," Gokudera cheered, causing [y/n] to jump slightly in surprise and turn to him. He was the only one standing next to the shorter teen, while Yamamoto and Ryouhei walked up ahead and chatted, not realizing that they were leaving behind the other two. "They've been hanging out since you disappeared two weeks ago, so the Judaime finally found his future wife!" The only reason Gokudera was ever nice to [y/n], aside from the fact that Tsuna had asked him to, was because [y/n] respected him. He acknowledged the fact taht he was the right hand man, and Gokudera was pleased someone did. Hearing this sort of news crushed him, and that small crack began to spread until finally, his heart hung in the balance of shattering into a million pieces and stabilizing itself. "Judaime has never been happier, when they get married, they'll be able to have a son who'll be the next generation Vongola boss!"

 _ **Crack!**_

That was it, the final push to shatter [y/n]'s heart. But instead of doing anything, feeling all his emotions weigh down on him, he just felt numb. His body felt cold, unable to feel much as he stared at the happy, silver haired male before him. "I have to go..." [Y/n] muttered, not waiting for a response nor hearing what it was that Gokudera and the others had said to him as he walked on. He felt like a robot, allowing his feet to take him anywhere they saw fit, as he gazed down at the ground before him. That once sunny sky was now covered with dark, grey clouds. People around him were murmuring, quickly making their way towards their destination as thunder was heard crackling in the sky. But [y/n] made no moves to run for it and find shelter, there was no point in doing so. Slowly, small droplets of water began to fall as some people took out their unbrellas and walked calmly, others ran into some stores and cafes, while the few that had made it home ran into their warm houses for something warm to drink. Everything was grey and looked the same, nothing was that bright, bubbly colour that it used to be when he hung out with Tsuna and the others. But he doubted anything would look brightly coloured anymore, it had no meaning.

Life had no meaning...

And all of that is what brough him there, to the roof of Namimori Middle. It wasn't too high, but it was high enough to injure someone. He had walked right in, since there were still some teachers and students there at the time, climbed up the stairs and over the tall fence in order to stand at that ledge. The wind blew by as water dribbled down his pale cheeks, his eyes were dull, his mask completely off as he showed his true self to the world. Broke, in pain, tired, saddened, lonely and so much more. Anyone who spotted him would see that porcelain doll, filled with cracks both old and new, no longer having the will to continue dealing with life itself, no longer wanting to wake up every morning in an empty house, no friends there to make sure he was okay and no love life to make it less lonely. But what did he expect anyways? He wasn't special, never will be, and Tsuna must have wasted his time trying to think he could help [y/n].

"Nothing important..." He muttered, turning his head to gaze down. There was nothing in sight but his school trousers, his shoes, the ledge and finally, the cold, hard ground beneath him. It was for the best, and he wouldn't have to worry about anything else anymore, the voices told him so. Maybe they were right all along, maybe being born was a mistake, maybe he was disgusting for liking Tsuna, and maybe it was just pity that Tsuna felt for him when the two became friends.

A small tear fell from his cheeks, mixing in with the light rain as it fell onto his shoe and washed away. This was for the best, and it was finally over for him, no one would have to deal with him ever again. A small, painful smile made its way towards his lips as he continued to gaze down. There's not enough pain medicine to ever get rid of all the emotions that hurt him, there weren't any kinds of medicine that can make him happy for even the smallest of moments, and he could take a truck load of anti-depressants and it still wouldn't help him in the slightest. He was disgusting, horrible and in great need of help. That's something he's known since he was nine, when his parents started arguing. They stopped loving each other, they stopped loving him, and Tsuna didn't love him, it won't be long before the others began to hate his very existence too. His smile began to waver at the thought, as more tears rushed down his face like a waterfall. "I'm sorry..." He muttered, sniffling before he crumbled and turned into a sobbing mess. "I'm sorry Tsuna..." It wasn't long before his soft sobs turned into loud cries, matching that of the lightning that kept crackling and cutting through the air. The rain became harsher, but all [y/n] felt was self-loathing and heartache.

The sound of the roof's door slamming open rang in his ear, as a low yet cautious growl soon followed. "Herbivore," Hibari's voice growled, causing [y/n] to slowly turn his head and see the head of the disciplinary committee standing there, glaring at him with a panting and shocked looking Kusakabe following closely behind. "Get over here herbivore, you shouldn't be at school this late." Sure, that was that best he could come up with. Then again this _was_ Hibari speaking, the fact that he was there anyways was flattering, but he could just be there because he wants to keep his school safe. "[Y/n] san," Kusakabe panted, lifting his hands up in caution and speaking slowly. "Please, come over here, everything will be fine..." It was obvious what they were trying to do, but [y/n] had already made up his mind. Even something like this was bringing them trouble, only adding to the fact that he was just a burden to everyone. Sniffling, [y/n] sent Kusakabe a sorrow-filled smile, causing the taller male to pale. He knew what was coming, and so did Hibari. The shorter of the two quickly pulled out his tonfas and made his way up to the fence, not wanting to slip and fall due to all the water on the ground. "Herbivore," Hibari growled lowly. "Get away from the ledge, and get over here." It wasn't a question, it was an order, but all [y/n] could do was smile. More thunder was heard, as [y/n] gave Hibari a small nod, inwardly thanking the raven haired male for being a little kinder to him compared to all the others that met with him. "I'm sorry Hibari san...'' [Y/n] muttered, slowly walking closer towards the edge and watching as both he and Kusakabe's eyes widened in shock and disbelief. "Tell Tsuna I said I'm sorry..."

And with that, he jumped.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

The call he had received that day had caused his heart to stop, amost dropping the phone and running out of the house and towards the hospital. He had had a feeling nagging him all day about it, but he decided to ignore it and just continue on with his plans. But he should have known that was a bad idea, having high intuition didn't mean he should dismiss everything he felt.

[Y/n] had jumped off of the roof of their middle school, Hibari had found out from a student that had seen him and tried to stop him, however he and Kusakabe were too late.

For a week he had stayed in the hospital in a coma, only to have complications and end up passing within hours of them trying to resuscitate him. Everyone had gone to visit him, everyone in school, everyone in the neighbourhood who knew him, even Dino and his men came to see him, which was surprising since he only knew [y/n] for at least four months while visiting Japan. But even he considered the young teen a close friend, a family member even, one where he didn't trip or get clumsy when he was around and Romario wasn't. His mother had cried when she had heard, loving the younger male like a son, while all the others mourned for days on end, blaming themselves for not seeing the signs sooner.

It's been a month since he was pronounced dead in the hospital, and Tsuna was preparing himself. Black suit, black pants, black shoes and a black tie. Everything was already in place and the decorations were all well done. A picture of [y/n] smiling hung up on the wall above an open, white casket. Everyone was seated in their respective places as a priest gave a speech, while Tsuna tried his hardest not to sob like an idiot and break down right then and there. His mother kept sniffling and whimpering, trembling as she held in her voice while clenching the handkerchief that she received from [y/n]. Reborn had been quiet the whole time, hat covering his eyes as he gazed down, all the while Leon shed tiny tears at the loss of a friend and family member. Futa, Ipin and Lambo were crying loudly in the back, with Ipin whimpering in Futa's arms and Lambo flailing about, crying out for [y/n] to wake up. Now Tsuna knew why adult Lambo had cried the first time he had seen [y/n], and every time he appeared he would hug the teen and refuse to let go until his five minutes were up. Gokudera, Ryouhei and Yamamoto looked dead tired, sitting motionless with their eyes straight on the casket, feeling guilty and wishing they had noticed what their friend had been going through with his inner turmoil. Kyoko and Haru where whimpering softly, drying their eyes as they tried to listen to the speeches that had been given, they were close with [y/n] and loved hearing the jokes he would tell them to cheer them up. Ken, Chikusa and Chrome were also there, with Chrome shedding tears silently and clenching her trident, Ken and Chikusa being quieter than usual.

Beautiful, red roses and [f/f] were everywhere, decorating the room to appear less gloomy, but only achiving the opposite effect. A multitude of students and teachers were also in the room crying softly, along with Dino and his men, who sat with their heads bowed in respect and eyes closed. Everyone who knew [y/n] was there, everyone but his parents. They didn't want to hold a ceremony, they hadn't even notice their son was dead until afterwards when he had been pronounced dead at the hospital. Dino had been kind enough to set everything up, even paying to have an open casket ceremony so that everyone could say their last goodbye before [y/n] was laid to rest. Even Hibari was there, all the way at the back, arms crossed wearing a black suit with a saddened Hibird sitting on top of his head. He had even slicked his hair back, his expression unreadable while Kusakabe and all his other subordinates shed tears, they had been close to the young teen and hearing the news was painful to them. After the priest was finished, one by one everyone went up and gave a speech. Dino, Reborn and Bianci, Gokudera and Yamamoto, Haru, Chrome and Kyoko, Nana and Ryouhei and even Hibari and Kusakabe. Tsuna went last, talking about the day they met and the last time he had seen [y/n] alive until finally, it was time.

Gazing down at the open casket, Tsuna couldn't help but feel his heart clench tightly in his chest. There he laid, in an eternal slumber. His hair was done perfectly, his face in a neutural expression, his hands folded neatly on his stomach as he wore an expensive looking suit. Was this really happening? Was this really the last time he would ever see his friend?

He's always blamed himself for it, thinking it was his fault [y/n] decided to jump that day. He had wanted to talk about something, but Tsuna just blew him off to go cake shopping. But he didn't think this would happen, not on _that_ day, not ever. He had just wanted to get the cake his mother special ordered at the bakery, to bring it back while everyone prepared themselves and got everything ready. Lambo, Ipin and Futa were excited, his mother and Bianci were making dinner, Yamamoto, Ryouhei and Gokudera were supposed to keep him busy before bringing him back. It was supposed to be a surprise.

It was supposed to be the best birthday party [y/n]'s ever had...

It was supposed to be fun.

 _"No you're right Tsuna, it's nothing important... Nothing important..."_

Tsuna felt tears prickle in his eyes once more as [y/n]'s voice echoed in his memory, before he sniffled, leaned down and pressed his forehead to the [h/c] haired male's. He felt his heart ache at the cold touch of [y/n]'s skin on his own, allowing the two to touch. He had spoken to Reborn a while back, who just kicked him and told him to realize that he had feelings for [y/n] soon or he might lose him. He had seriously thought the Arcobaleno would call him disgusting or say something negative, but he was actually very supportive. According to him, love was love, so he didn't care about gender as long as Tsuna understood that.

He was italian, after all.

Tsuna took in a deep breath and lifted his hand, gently cupping [y/n]'s cold cheeks before exhaling. He wished it weren't true, he wished he had seen it, had stopped and listen to what the teen had wanted to tell him and maybe, just maybe, confess to him that he was falling for him. It was strange, it was weird, it was embarrassing and it was unbelievable for two boys to be together. But Tsuna would have given it a chance if [y/n] felt the same. Sadly, he would never get the chance to know the answer now, and that in itself killed him. _"_ I'll miss you... _"_ Tsuna whispered, leaning in to plant a soft, chaste kiss on his lips. Pulling back, a tear fell from Tsuna's eye and landed on [y/n]'s cheek, it rolled down, as though he was the one that was crying. _"_ I should have been there when you needed me... This is all my fault, I'm so sorry... _"_ He whispered, sniffling before placing a kiss on his friend's forehead.

 _"_ I love you [y/n]... _"_


End file.
